Thursday, September 16, 2010

盡頭的微笑

清早,我還在浴室整裝準備上班。回房間,見朋友曾打電話來,沒有接。

沒有在意,在上班途中才爽利的回覆他。他說咱兩的好友茉莉的爸爸病重,醫生說可能過不了這兩天。愣了一會,喉頭和鼻孔漸漸繃緊。問了資料,說今天下午會請假去。為免茉莉添煩,只給了一個短信:I'm with you. I'm with you.

公事繁忙稍稍消除了憂慮,呈了假單後,還跟同事叫了外賣,打算飯後起程。

還有一刻鐘才到午飯時間,茉莉來了一個電話,告訴我,如果要來,現在就來好了,他爸爸快不行了。

這通電話促我幹了幾件事:按了鍵,把剛完成的資料傳送給老闆;交了外賣的錢給同事,叮把便當送人;跟上司說了句醫院急事,拿起包就走。

外邊藍天白雲,在的士上竟不斷問自己:Am I asking to let him see me or to let me see him?

到了病房,茉莉雙眼已經通紅,繞在世伯旁邊的,只有她兩位不常聯絡的親戚,以及她的未婚夫。這時還未到一點鐘。

世伯的臉龐好像變大了,大到我平日見到他時也不察覺這麼大,想起姨丈當日在醫院病重的時候,也是一樣的大,大到我發覺原來一直以來自己都沒有正眼看過他們的臉。今天也是多年來最仔細的看他的臉。他的牙齒帶點血絲,戴著面罩呼吸,偶然會喘一下,眼皮和眼角濕濕的滲著淚水。

茉莉說他打了嗎啡,可能沒有大知覺。但她肯定的知道他會聽到我們說話的。她叫我去。

世伯,我來了。撫摸著他的手和額。然後說說家人的近況,嘗試細說往事。卻竟無法記起他曾給我們說的一個笑話。馬上哽住了。床邊的心跳計顯示著微小的起伏。

說起嬤嬤和我一起的小故事,也就是世伯在十多年前走了的母親。心跳計反應劇烈。再哽不住了。

茉莉接住。爸爸,孩子來了,孩子來了。身邊還有表姐、表姐夫、孩子和哥哥。我們都在。

哥哥和表姐都挺不住,但不想給世伯聽到。心跳計和除顫器此起彼落的信號聲響讓在場人的心情跟著此起彼落。一時一刻,護士終於為我們準備好那刻的來臨,把那心跳計關掉,讓那床尾的除顫器繼續告訴我們什麼狀況,把床邊的簾都拉了。我就在這個機器旁邊,看著電子圖像化了的心跳,感受著世伯的心弦。45, 44, 46, 43, 40, 42, 43, 44, 46....

好不容易,從這些數字抽離,不斷問,不斷尋求。人生的路,是跌撞交織,也是苦樂共生。

茉莉說,爸爸已經說過沒有遺憾了,最希望的就是女兒可以隨心所欲選擇作自己認為開心的事。茉莉也在跟爸爸重複著相同的話。不斷的說女兒對爸爸的感情,重新把過往和將來的日子編織成一幅美麗的畫布,也不著跡的流下眼淚。

下午一時三刻。世伯還在抽喘。女兒知道爸爸的堅強,多年來獨自堅守著自己唯一的女兒,作任何事都可以堅定地說一句無愧於心。意志非凡人可比。除顫器還是如常的起伏。世伯絲毫沒有退縮。

女兒早已經作好面對兩難,寧願自己背負那個選擇。

爸爸,我的愛已經伴隨著你,你好走。茉莉已經有哥哥照顧,你可以安心了。嬤嬤已經做了飯等你,大孩子,吃飯了。。。。。。

不斷親吻他。不斷勸說。直到淚乾。

明白了。我終於體會到茉莉的決定,鎖著眉頭報以微笑。世伯,我們會幫你照顧茉莉的,你放心。

二時許,唯有茉莉察覺到一道陽光從雲冠邊緣突然灑進來。她給我一個照面,回頭微笑著跟她父親說:爸爸,你從來都是守時的,兩點了,有光來接你了。

除顫器上,25, 23, 20, 19, ..... 12.....

19 comments:

said...

睇完,我會回家抱多幾次個女

Ebenezer said...

好感動!

惟有親情,才是真實而恆久!

laulong said...

CM:

今朝看了,但盡量於工作時間不留言。

永別之思,早幾個月我也嘗了,真的叫人傷感無限!

Anonymous said...

Recently, I too experienced a life-event ... some self-reflection ... and probably some deep changes in my personality is going on too...at the right moment, life suddenly becomes different in colour.

Anon-B

C.M. said...

米:

琴日之後,我突然出左個名單,想見到名單入面既人同我笑。

以便:

嗯。而且原來要親情持久,也需要學會放手。

C.M. said...

郎校長:

學生們要緊。

離別,到了我們的年紀大抵經驗不少,但原來真的親自送行,方發覺傷感固然,如何笑著說再見,卻是在生者可以學習的一課。

Anon-B:

Sincerely wish you enjoy and be fruitful with the new colour.

Hana said...

嗯...

硬係覺得哩篇文唔似你手筆,似係小X作品。

seikomatic said...

無論系一線光,還系神,人系呢種無助無力既時候最需要既就系一種肯定。

C.M. said...

冰冰:

切,那鮮格格的小X 比我高明多了。

精工:

那光的感動,是茉莉事後跟我說的。她強調並不想神化了這個經歷或巧合,但真的感謝上蒼,給她一個讓爸爸觸動的機會。

茉莉在事前已經肯定了自己,所以才可以有力地陪爸爸走最後的路。

魔術師 said...

跟我送走母親時的經歷相類似.

我父走時尚好,醫院凌晨打來,我「有幸」沒有再重覆目送母親離去的經驗.

在這時刻,你會感覺到你想幫忙,卻是無力幫忙;你會更加明白,人為什麼到最後只能靠自己.

所以我也很不喜歡那些依賴任性,事事倚靠別人,否則便怨人沒安全感的港女.

C.M. said...

魔術師,

的確人到最後都只能靠自己,就算在此刻,都只能靠自己 -- 靠自己去領悟自己的一切、去體會別人的一切、去感受朋友給自己的一切。

剛才我碰見七十妹,令我更想體會你們的一切。

七十樓危危下望 said...

:)

Anonymous said...

Hi C.M.,
Thank you. And the new colour has brought about the curing of OSA too. How about your body machine?

C.M. said...

七十:

想不到一周不到我倆竟再遇見,呵呵。

Anon-B:

Vow, 匪夷所思,but that's great progress. Mine? Rotting and rioting. Forget about it.

Anonymous said...

Because I reasoned that I am not fat at all, why have I suddenly developed this condition?

Haven't you tried Yoga exercise, any help?

C.M. said...

Yoga does much help on the mind (not the spirit though), a bit on the body.

Guess you should have done a thorough checkup. Any clue?

Anonymous said...

Good to hear that. Just want to know how much time you spend per week to have some effects on the body-mind?

Oops, I don't know you are interested to know. I have gone through the whole regime, but it is quite hard to tolerate and very inconvenient as you might know. I did some self-invented neck exercises and cure it myself (as I know the anatomy). So I guess Yoga should be helpful to you too.

C.M. said...

Just merely 2 hours per week in class and half an hour per week at home. Yoga practice calms me quickly.

Vow, great to hear that! Good news! (Actually I was wondering why you asked "why".) I do know about the associated inconvenience (and pain) brought to oneself and to other people. Hmmm, those around you must feel relieved. :)

Anonymous said...

Oh, I see. Sometimes, I write as if I am self-talking :P Yes, thanks.

When exercise can do such an amazing job for me, I remember that you have been practicing Yoga and must be benefiting from it too !

That sounds not bad, let me consider trying. Ar.., I mean trying Yoga and finding someone around me to "feel relieved" :))