問如何盡如天意
好鍾意打機，前排尤迷《Call of Duty 4 - Modern Warfare》，絕對可以打到天昏地暗。如果響入面比人射瓜左，佢會好唔通氣咁整句某某名人既quote，係要黎個小反高潮。之但，我又好鍾意呢兩句（摘自Call of Duty 3）。
"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." - Oscar Wilde
"All nations want peace, but they want a peace that suits them." - Admiral Sir John Fisher
阿女有兩個癖好，一個畫畫，一個發脾氣。通常，佢畫完畫就會放埋一邊，隨意棄置，任意踐踏，只有小部分佢會話送比邊個邊個，或比我保存入電腦。
前排我心血來潮，就響佢其中一幅畫寫左幾隻字（紅色smear 本為阿女個名），然後靜靜雞放響檯面。日頭真係比佢發現左！。。。嗯，如果用勃然大怒黎形容佢即時既反應，都庶幾近矣。佢話：「我唔鍾意爸爸寫呢幾個字！我唔要爸爸鍾意我！」（非身在現場，E&OE。）總之，佢老豆我聽番，都呆左半秒。
都唔係呆好耐遮，皆因未上心未上心。
近日又當眾發脾氣，甚至話「嫲嫲煮飯都唔好食，媽媽煮果d先好食加嘛！。。。唏，真係好大壓力呀。。。」不得了，真係鬼知響邊庶學返黎。在場親友明言行為過分，跟阿仔的乖巧順服相去甚遠，問我有否想過送「醫生」治理云云。我一不置可否，二直言未曾想過，三實在不急定罪。返屋企後講返，阿Moon 跟我莞爾一笑，想法大同小異，或抱殘守缺，或明知不可為而為之，不爭朝夕。
無論小孩子與老年人，我能給的空間是相對比成年人大很多的，對於他們，我的耐力也是相對大很多的。
小孩子既反應，由外而形諸內，環境帶動性格，影響行為，行為即時反映既，唔係性格，而係環境。而老年人，則漸漸對環境絕緣，行為源自內心既有既判斷，他朝君心也相同。
當然，我唔係完全正確，而且小朋友響大眾面前失禮，的確反映禮數教養。不過，我得承認，阿女人前明顯既好曳，加上阿仔人後唔為意既好曳，都反映左兩隻野真係無乜教養。但我就一定唔承認，佢地兩個，連我地兩個，都無好好學習到點為之符合禮數。
怒眼妹話必必佬佬妹妹兄妹仨，理應如此。雖然其理何在我不甚了了，但切膚之痛呢該不遑多讓。
阿女三歲前絕世可人，三歲後叛逆難馴，親母之時與老父若即若離。大脾氣的確令老豆好忟憎，但呢股脾氣亦令佢唔會咁容易同人妥協，就算父母唔在場，佢都可以為自己爭取。阿仔呢，其實如老父一樣，響性格中隱含另一面，外人根本唔會察覺到，唯有家中父母日對夜對先會充分了解。相比阿女大鳴大放，兩姊弟其實各有千秋。四個人裏面至少六個關係要點處理，來日方長。（親友們如見字切莫不屑。）
阿仔呢，再過一陣就知分曉勒。如果佢地兩個既性格都唔係處於極端既話，我地兩個做父母既，都已經足夠安心咯。
隨風而行，就算唔可以盡人意，或者，都可以盡天意... 卦。
12 comments:
我嗰兩個都性格迥異，大嗰個內斂深閨，細嗰個外向積极識為自己據理力爭。
打交/爭野/爭人...呢，係升上第7、8班先開始少，因為佢哋差唔多咁高大，基本上6、7歲開始有狀況我都由得佢哋自己搞掂。
印像最深係兩年前我話個大女俾人蝦唔識反抗，話我死咗都唔知邊個幫佢，個細嘅突然好認真咁講：「媽咪你放心啦！到時我會睇住姐姐格了。」大嗰個竟然又搭嘴話：「有妹妹睇住我，媽咪你好放心啦！」
咁我點算:O
:O
:O
:O
冰冰：
咁佢地細個果史點架？難唔難教/搞？
如果我阿仔走去同阿女爭野呢（即係搶啦），d招式真係絕到連我都學唔黎。
阿米爸：
你點樣點算呀？睇落佢仲好乖喎。（又想問，佢學習態度點呢？例如，專唔專心呢？）
我個仔樣樣遁規蹈矩，我反而好擔心佢唔識表達自己嘅需耍同感受...
所謂養兒一百歲，長憂九十九，為人父母難矣！
BTW, 祝中秋節快樂^^
祝中秋節快樂
How old is your daughter? Which grade she is in?
Her personality is still evolving... Ha ha^^
She is probably learning to be independent...
It is so funny to see the developmental process of your kids, post more of their behaviour, what they think and talk about, their daily activities, if you have time.
Let's learn from them together :)
Anon-B
A belated Mid-Autumn greeting! She's now 4 in K2 and I am vigorously examining her behaviour and personality.
Interventions are mostly re-directing and guiding, don't believe much on the gesture of something like "shaping". Nonetheless, I know very little about personality.
Vow, tell me yours then!
I think her personality development is still unfolding. Talking about shaping, people somehow fall into a cognitive trap assuming that children are clay, and one can therefore mold them (behaviour) into whatever they want, not unlike animal training in disguise. Perhaps, one tends to oversimplify human's mind, or one might assume those tricks shared among the parents community work well. Often, those tricks might not the true explanation of any observed changes, and those resulting changes might have tipped the balance of something else, and that will create yet another issue later on. Let's use the financial world as an analogy, pumping more money into the system might not necessarily result into a higher GDP; even if it does, some other problems arise.
There are many subtle differences between a "good" cluster of traits versus a "bad" one. Whether those traits are good or bad should be interpreted within the framework of the children's cognitive abilities. For example, impulsivity might be problematic for an average child, but not much so for the clever one.
But it is definitely a memorable experience to interact with kids, even they are naughty. Did you cry when she said 我唔要爸爸鍾意我? :P, I am more interested to know how you felt and what was in your mind at that moment. :)
Vow... 我的想法跟你很像。
關於「性格」，這兩個字的含義我看來是非常廣，就算現時備受推崇的「九型人格」（Enneagram），雖然已經好像把性格具體化，但對我來說仍然十分縹緲。大概因為由個別所能觀察到的行為或選擇來為性格歸類，我實在是掌握得不好。尤其在性格成形期的幼年，為她們的性格歸類就更難掌握。
一直對於子女，每每要思前想後花很多精力才弄清楚一個行為是出於何故、行為背後的「用意」、引申的後果（不單對人，更對己）等等，無論在洞察力解難力執行力上面，都很累人。但漸漸也察覺，正如你說，性格上的「好與壞」的確需要按照他們的認知能力才能分辨
「優與劣」。例如一個孩子常哭，究竟代表什麼，並非一個「需要關愛」甚或「已經被溺愛」所概括。
性格attributes的絕對性，是各父母的誤區，也是有心父母們需要克服的難關。正如犬女容易發脾氣的性格，除非我絕對肯定她的行為是出於某種極端地不能包容的性格（so to speak），才會有「定案」（aka 定罪），否則，我還會努力不懈去了解她這個行為的原因。說不定或許發現那個一直被忽略的簡單「需要」。
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那次？哈哈，或許是因為我首先是從媽咪那邊聽回來，所以衝擊少了一點，其次這種話我都斷斷續續的親歷其境，衝擊又再少一點，加上我現正努力搜索和理解她「被忽略的簡單需要」，理性蓋過感性，哈哈，只曉一笑置之。
我還會哄自己，問「是否太怕羞了？這樣面對爸爸的愛錫不容易麼？」（哈，自己這樣哄自己不是自欺，這個當然有我觀察上的根據的，信焉？）
老實說，她這樣的反應，也可以是挺溫馨的回憶。
yes, I think so too.
Enneagram is an interesting thinking framework, alike astrology. It can be useful to help one quickly identify the typologies of people, useful for laypeople and small talks. It resembles EQ's kind of vague and "almost always true" conceptual framework.
My view on personality is almost the integral of all the pathological traits (tendency)in relation to his or her cognitive abilities. Personality is not simply because he or she happens to have that particular thinking styles. A thief thinks she can trick everyone and will not actually perceive the victim as victim, hence she has no guilty and even go to church, as I have described. Her personality is therefore based on her cognitive abilities and psychiatric make-up.
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:) that is very good fathering. I must invite you to talk about your parenting experience, attitudes and ideas, as an exemplar. Most importantly,you know what you are doing and why so ~ This is enough, because whether certain manifested behaviour should be judged as good or bad is not that straightforward as those fellow parents or relatives might think after taking a snapshot kind of observation.
Haha it might be a good idea to think of her as your little girlfriend, like what you are doing :P
Right. I'm perfectly fine with seeing Enneagram (and other tools as well) as an analytical leverage paving way for future interventions (and behavioral modifications). But I want to see much deeper, into the minds and mentality of the subject, simply because the subject is my daughter.
... good fathering... parenting... thanks, but I have some reservations. At least from behavioral perspectives, this style leaning towards kind of laissez faire parenting, relies a lot on one's esper skills and energy and other contextual influences. There are risks losing "control". (alright, controlling is the core of this style.)
But I do feel relieved when I heard you said "This is enough". Love it.
And the little girlfriend... hmmm, I'm not good at handling bunch of girlfriends at a time, can I leave it as she is? =p
That is true. Surely, there are ways to tackle the mentality of development of your daughter at different levels. Your fathering approach, philosophy, and attitude, I think is the best I have ever seen. You fathering definitely is an exemplar. That is enough because as a responsible father, you have already invested your best asset - your brain and heart, then there is no regret, and should feel self-fulfilled when you look back sixty years later.
Often,matters are not controllable for they are outside your scope or more accurately outside the control of mankind. For example, a rebellious child may turn out to become a leader who alters the history.
I seldom talk about behavioural modification not because I won't do it. It is too easy to do. As a parent, of course, one can teach and thereby shape bad habits into good ones by doing so. That is good. But if you've succeeded in modifying a particular behaviour by the method of shaping, does it mean she has already become a better person?
Some people more "expert" than you in fact got only one trick (one lens) in their bag,so everything they see will inevitably be defined in terms of behaviour. Still, some other people are good at talking about depression and and anxiety, they will teach any frustrating client with positive thinking and relaxing. You know the outcomes. They might not be wrong, but it is not about curing and making a real change at fundamental level. If one start to talk about curing or instilling a real change, one needs to think about changing the brain and minds. There are many reasons for the same observable problem.... To teach a parent to intervene is not easy if not impossible, for one needs to know the parent and the child very well.
But, I am now getting to know your daughter :)) Enjoy your precious moment while she still allows you to.
N.B. When某種極端地不能包容的性格 is not arguable, then intervene in whatever way you can (especially for parents like you, being reasonable and thoughtful), it can't be wrong.
（內子見你字，她馬上命令我：講就天下無敵，今晚打少d 機陪多d個女喇！）
Oooo... by the method of shaping, does it mean she has already become a better person?
This is it! I really wish she would become a better "her"-"self", not a better "she" of "myself".
I was walking upstairs on my way back home thinking about how she will look like... my parenting style... her choice... my choice... and all sort of silly things. Finally when I step in the house, I found I have no choice at all to deal with all these happy problems.
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